I should have done better; I am not successful; I wish I was more like her: if these are some thoughts that have often plagued your mind, then please stop for a moment.
What makes you think that you are not successful or that you need to be like someone else? Who says so? Is it really true or are you judging yourself by applying a criterion that does not even apply to you? Perhaps the problem is not in the way you are leading your life but in the way you are judging it.
Perhaps the problem is not in the way you are leading your life but in the way you are judging it.
For the longest time, I was my worst critic. On the best of days I would find faults in the things I did or didn’t do. On other days, I would body shame my hands and spiral down a staircase of self pity.
I would look at my hands and see ugly, gnarled, dark knuckled, veins popping, broad hands and feel disappointed. I would envy women with beautiful, soft hands; their nails painted and glossed to reflect the sunlight and bemoan my ugly hands. But here’s the thing — there is nothing actually wrong with my hands! All ten fingers are intact and typical. My hands do look a little out of place on my rather petite frame and slender wrist. “A workman’s hands” is probably how you’d describe them. And that’s the worst you could say about them. But to an adolescent they were nothing short of heartbreaking. So, I would apply nail polish, only to remove it; I would let them grow only to cut them short. I would look at my sisters’ and friends’ hands and wonder why I couldn’t have beautiful hands.
But all that changed when I saw a young mother picking up her child with her stubbed arms. For the first time, I realized that my hands are not ugly. Rather they are the work of a complex design that allows me to hold my child, embrace my partner, light a candle, eat my meal, fold my hands in prayer and do so much more. They are perfect for the work they are designed to do and therein lies their beauty. They may not win me any beauty contest but they are perfect for my purpose and for that I am grateful. The problem was not with my hands, the problem was the criterion I was using to judge them.
The problem was not with my hands, the problem was the criterion I was using to judge them.
So often, young mothers who choose to stay at home and raise families feel inadequate when they see other working professionals. They wonder if they have frittered away their lives by choosing to be stay-at-home mums.
But is that feeling of inadequacy really justified? When you’ve been a homemaker and raised children, how can earnings be your criterion for evaluating your life? Wouldn’t a better criterion be to see how well you’ve raised your children? Are they healthy, happy, well adjusted children? Have you looked after your family and made a home for them? If you’ve been able to do that, then you’re a success.
One parameter cannot fit all. It doesn’t happen anywhere. You don’t judge a 100 metre race the way you judge a boxing match. Nor do you eat an apple and wonder why it doesn’t taste like an orange. Then why judge yourself by the yardstick of others? We each have our own life to lead and have lived it in our different circumstances. So our criteria of assessment should be our own too. And only that decides our success or failure.
So next time you feel despondent and wonder what you have done with your life, stop a moment. First check what you set out to do. And if you have done that or are in the process of doing so, you are a resounding success.
